Clean Laffs

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their 
conversation drifted from sports to cooking. 

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never 
do anything with it." 

"Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second. 

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 
'Take a clean dish and...'" 

*** 

For new fathers, or anyone thinking about becoming a father, 
you must learn these WORDS OF WISDOM: 

Don't ask me, ask your mother. 

Close the door. Were you raised in a barn? 

You didn't beat me. I let you win. 

Who said life was supposed to be fair. 

This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you. 

You call that noise "music"? 

No, we're not there yet. 

When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect. 

As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules. 

Because I said so. That's why. 

Do what I say, not what I do. 

So you think you're smart, do you? 

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. 

You want something to do? I'll give you something to do. 

I'm not just talking to hear my own voice! 

What do you think I am, a bank? 

What part of NO don't you understand? 

I don't care what other people are doing! I'm not everybody 
else's father! 

If you're gonna be dumb, you've gotta be tough. 

Enough is enough! 

Don't make me stop the car! 

*** 

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over 
the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University 
Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." 
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will 
the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars return 
to class." 


*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------* 
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the 
elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of soccer. 
The game was going well with the elephants beating the ants 
10-0, when the ants gained possession. 

The ants star player was dribbling the ball towards the 
elephants goal when the elephants' left back came lumbering 
towards him. The elephant stood on the ant and killed him 
instantly. 

The referee stopped the game. "What do you think you're doing? 
Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" 
"Well I didn't mean to kill him," sniffed the distraught 
elephant, "I was just trying to trip him."