You know you're in Cincinnati when:
Someone says to you, "Please?",  instead of saying
"Huh?"
1 inch of snow on the ground will close the schools
for a week.
You ask the waitress for a "three way," and it's not a
kinky proposition.
What groundhog? It's the St. Patrick's Day parade
leprechaun that forecasts how much longer winter will
last.
Losing football teams draw more fans than winning
baseball teams.
If someone asks, "what school did you go to," they
mean which high school, not college.
Indiana is about 20 miles away, but it takes about
four hours to get there.
It's too cold in the winter, and too hot and humid in
the summer, to ever stay outside for very long.
You drive to Columbus or Louisville to avoid the
prices at the Cincinnati airport.
City council members hold debates on whether or not
they should debate in the first place.
High school football gets 15 minutes of airtime on the
11 o'clock news. The NBA and NHL? Zero.
Tourists still flock downtown to catch a glimpse of
cast members from "WKRP," even though the show hasn't
aired on network television since 1984, and the show
was filmed in L.A., anyway.
You ask lifetime residents where the President Taft
house is, but they don't know either.
If you do something - anything - in public long
enough, sooner or later it will be banned.
Your low-fat diet is never low enough to exclude a
Greater's ice cream.
You order "goetta" (pronounced "get-uh") and the
counterman actually knows what the hell you're talking
about.
You get through winter listening to Marty and Joe's
broadcasts from the grapefruit leagues.
Big Red Smokies are a ballpark treat, not cause to
dial 9-1-1.
If necessary, the city could easily be sliced into two
new countries: East and West,and it would take 20
years for anyone to notice something happened.
There is chocolate and cinnamon, not peppers and
beans, in your chili.
You can drive 30 minutes in any direction to hear a
different accent than your own.
You can accurately judge the social status of a person
by learning at which Kroger's store they shop.
You can go to any Church festival in any neighborhood
on any weekend and see at least 5 people you either
work with, went to school with, or dated.
Even the slightest mention of former baseball
Commissioner A. Bartlett Giamatti makes your blood
boil and your ears steam.
The temperature hits 45 degrees and the sun comes out
in any month between November and April, people walk
around downtown wearing shades and no jackets.
The top stories on the local 6 o'clock evening news
look suspiciously like the articles you read in the
newspaper that very morning - and even use the same
quotes.
Any carbonated beverage is a "coke," a coke is a
"pop," a pop is a "soda," and a soda is a "float." Any
questions?
You've talked about leaving this dump for 10 years and
you're still here, because despite all there is to
poke fun at, Cincinnati isn't a bad place to live.