"NEW PRODUCT: MICROSOFT CONTRACEPTIVES"

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every 
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive99, a 
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft 
has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It 
believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in 
penetrating the copulation enhancement market. 

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus 
protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation 
of human beings. 

The Contraceptive99 suite consists of three products: Condom99, 
DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton 
Utilities).  A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in 
the package. 

The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive99 
Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the 
sexual services sector. 

Contraceptive99 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, 
aimed  at the housewife and gigolo niches. 

While Contraceptive99 does not address non-traditional copulatory  
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be 
known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff. 

OPERATION - Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to 
install the package. At installation, the Condom99 software checks 
for minimum hardware. 

If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is 
sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, 
operation commences. 

One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the 
session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and 
the user  gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner. 

DRAWBACKS - Usability testers report that frequent failures were a
major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the 
most  serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, 
but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be 
installed each time its used. 

CONCLUSION - Contraceptive99 is a robust product.  Despite its 
drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, 
and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future 
releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, 
such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and 
Onboard Camera. 

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive99's 
potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help 
users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for 
years."