CATS

        

"Cats" is the longest-running show on Broadway to date. The
show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits
of America's most popular pet.  Yet, even with the lively
dancing and popular songs, "Cats" doesn't seem to capture the
true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a
list of what "Cats" would have to do to more accurately
portray the true essence of cats.

* Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find
their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.

* The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.

* Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not --
depending on their mood.

* Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the
recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.

* When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member
would attempt to lay down on it.

* In the middle of a performance various cast members would
curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.

* For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to
the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed.  They would then
continue as if nothing had happened.

* A special audience member would find a headless bird in
his/her seat after the intermission.

* Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast
members for walking on the counter.

* Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet.

* Part of the performance would include the cast climbing
and shredding the theater curtains.

* The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a
hairball and then eating it.

* Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and --
well, we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?

* The show would need to be stopped several times to allow
cast members to "bathe" themselves.

* Most of the final act would consist of the cast just
staring at the audience.

* The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn,
feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.

* Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after
performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were
lucky.

* Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play
with them.